My expirence at the islamic academy for peace

 sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lemme talk abt the school that i went to from 1st to 8th grade, minus 3rd grade.

this is seven years of my life that i will never gain back, but its okay i healed from it all and am doing much better, this situation isnt even "as bad" as the senegal situation but its one of the most traumatizing expirences of my life, even though its like the only traumatizing expirence i have that wasnt physical.. its crazy i dont know why this sitatuation effected me so bad where as the senegal situation didnt effect me as much, when it is OBJECTIVELY a worse situation.. idk maybe cuz this is the only traumatizing situation where i was verbally abused instead of physically and since i never had that happen to me it really effected me alot idrk why it hurt me so bad but regardless how we go:

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1st grade:

So its important that i give context when dicussing this story i had experienced abuse from kg to around 9th grade, so i was an EXTREMELY violent kid because i was projecting and taking out my anger on people who did nothing to me... At the time

I HAD A TEACHER NAMED MRS JAMES WHO WAS THE NICEST TEACHER EVER, I USED TO HAVE A CRUSH ON THIS guy named mohammed, (there are so many different ways to spell this name so idk how his is spelt) i chased him around the playground trying to confess his love and then he fr jumped off a slide to avoid me--

like--

talk abt disrespect.

anyways the popular girls were sadia and zehra, zehra is the daughter of the owner of the school or wtvr and sadia was at the time her bff

maryam.d hated me like HATED me cuz i was black, which shed later admit,

overral 1st grade wwwas fun, i had bad grades though and i actually didnt hit ppl this year, this is the year i met zz, natifah, fatma and sana <3

i used to squeeze zz cheecks cuz she had such a baby face and i love babies n id always b like "mrs james, isnt zainab so cute?'' LMAOOO

but yeah me and zz were in the same grade, natufah , fatma n sana were in kindergarden soooo

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2nd grade:

now this is when things really got badddd

this is when i started taking out my anger on others, however i was the class clown at the same time so uhhhh idk how that worked out

zehra was like i said the mean popular girl and one time at gym class she made fun of me and i punched her nose...

ziad was also a class clown but he was a boy and would say out of pocket things all the time, i remember once he said to this other boy nezar '''i kinda dont like maryam because shes black, but only a little bit'' nezar said it was racist and he was screamming '‘THATS RACIST‘‘ and i was like : whats racist? and nezar was like ‘‘ziad said he dont like u cuz ur black‘‘

i-

i was mad and told the teacher cuz i knew that was wrong PLZ--

mrs, karima give him a red slip or wtvr

then this is the incident... so it was the day after the field trip and the teacher had givin all the kids that went on the bus crybaby gum, i wasnt on the bus cuz my parents decided to drive me home cuz they were already here and alr chaperoned so no point in me taking the bus if they were alr there. so i didnt get cry babies and ziad was making fun of me

and he kept calling me a cry baby, and i told him that i wasnt a crybaby and to not call me that and he kept going and then i ovvereacted and took a chair and started repeatedly slamming it on his legs, like i was doing the most, after that i OBVIOUSLY GOT IN TROUBLE, AS I SHOULD CUZ WTF SECOND GRADE MARYAM?, THATS PSYCHO SHIT

oh yeah and i hit nezar with a metal bucket cuz i was salty that he beat me in field day and got in trouble, AS I SHOULD CUZ AGAIN, NO MATTER WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH AT THE TIME NONE OF THESE ACTIONS WERE OKAY AT ALL.

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4th grade:

so in 3rd grade i was in public school not the tia so thats irrelevant to the story, i came back and there were some new students :

yahya: son of a pretty well known imam

nora: zehra‘s new bestie, she became one of the popular mean galz

maryam.d and i started to become besties this year, we really hated zehra and nora cuz they were mean, but maryam.d would talk bad abt me alot and still wanted the validation of these girls despite how rude they were, she secretly wanted to be like them and be their friend, she would have days were she would ignore me and be very mad at me for no reason at all, then randomly warm up to me and act like my bestie again

mrs sadia was the worst teacher ever, she would make fun of students and constantly make them cry and make fun of them for their looks and etc

this was the year i started to notice how being morrocan was a huge advantage in this school, most of the population were morrocan 1st of all

second, most of the kids parents worked as staff in the school, so these kids were allowed to go in teachers rooms and etc cuz they were related to the teachers

third, due to this, when students were being racist no one said anything cuz why would you get your kid in trouble yk?

it was pretty clear that being morrocan made you more popular and desired or simply being arab but specifically morrocan arabs.

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5th grade: 

now this year again still got that racist teacher mrs sadia here, me and maryam were on and off but still said we were besties, the popular kids were nora, zehra and jenna(4th grader), and sara b( last name sounds like bizarre toe),meriam.e, another maryam , ablah, selma and etc i forgot but theses gals were 6th graders.

this one girl sara.k‘s brother hated me fr, anytime they saw me they would make fun of me, and it was me specially, like i was the only dark skin black girl in my class and i literally did nothing to this guy and he would always follow me around and say rude things to me and try to make fun of me how i walked, talked, looked like, anything and i didnt know how to deal with that so i would just stay silent because i didnt know how to deal with non physical confrontation.

 sara b was really mean, not to me (at this time) but she was rude, everyone kinda knew her as a mean girl, i felt like even if zehra and nora were mean, they had a heart but this girl has no heart, she was rotten to the core, 

this is the year zubaaaa cameeeee (she was going into 4th grade), at first everyone was rude to her for no reason and rumors spread that she was a bully, when she was literally so nice, she was just an awkward cute little fourth grader i seriously dont know why everyone picked on her, but this was the start of our decade long friendship<3.

anyways, i decided that i did not like sara.b 

i had my violent moments here and their and got punished for them, rightfully so.

This was maryam.d last year at the tia

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6th grade:

okay so this was the year we had a new student gomana, her story reminds me of the movie mean girls, she was this new girl and became popular fast and would hang out w the mean girls, sara.b would always try to recruite ppl she thought was pretty to join her group

this year showed me and my friends how little we were valued due to our skin color

the only liked u if u were black and made offensive jokes

but if u were black and werent hating on black people, theyed never wanna associate with u

certain mosques were super racist too

haverhill had lots of tia kids and were super racist

methuen mosque also had lots of tia kids and was racist but not as racist

lowell wasnt really racist, it had many south asain people amd african ppl and ppl of diffrent ethnicities and so racism was not a common issue

boston mosque is the best mosque and i wanna go there this yearrrrrr

anyways i got into a actual fight will nezar for no reason and got in trouble as i should, after this i realized i really hated fighting, i hated ppl being scared of me, it also didnt fit in with the headcanon i had of myself as a girly girl, i really hated being that violent overly sensitive girl who fights ppl because she doesnt know how to defend herself... its embrassing and immature, but i was really hoping to change myself in second grad

Zehra and nora made a hangouts group (yes we all used hangouts from 5th to 8th grade to text)

To shit talk me and i got so pissed i was trying to defend myself and they all got madd and accused me of cyber Bullying, when they LITERALLY say its not real.

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7th grade:

Adam (6th grade) , yahya (tavo sire) and Mohamed who are all black, adam being LITERALLY 1% darrker would always make fun of my skin and were typical deshawns, they wouldnt respect me for being a black girl

Zehra and nora were being verry mean to me, calling me a mistake, annoying , an crazy anime fan , weird, all generic middle school insults

Sara.b wasnt rude me it was more like i didnt exist to her

She would go around spitting on one of my friends and her siblings every single day in the morning just cuz they are black

She would use the n word all the time and call me and my friends "abeed" which is slave in arabic

She was just heartless

Jenna and gomana became besties 

My besties at the time (and some im still besties with now but at the time it was zuba, sana and nazzy)  were in the grade right below me, like jenna

And the 7th grade class was right inbetween the 6th and 8th grade class

So the 8th grade and 6th graders would eat at the 7th grades class for lunch and snack time

I would go to the 6th grade class cuz thats were my friends were

Gomana would go to the 6th grade class to eat w jenna

Little did ik jenna woyld listen to our conversations and secrets and go tell everyone

I get defensive over my friends so i was really mad

And then later that day nora saud something to me, i forgot what tho i only remember what i did..

I took her phone and hid it 🚶‍♀️

I was so mad and then i wanted to return it, but they had alrwady started looking 🧍‍♀️

So i didnt

I just waited it out

Eventually they started to accuse me, but i denied it

I sent a few messages to jenna after what she did, i was so upset

Jenna then didnt respond and gave the phone to ablah to respond? Who then THREATENED me 

And said i was cyber bullying for defending my friend?

Nora and zehra had a reason to be mad because of the phobe thingy and nora is zehras best friend so i get that

Best why did the others get mad for confronting jennah?

Sara was the most angery

I called jenna in the messages a "sara b wannabe"

Cuz its true..

It did not warrent them trying to get me suspended

Spreading rumors about me

Making fun of my last name and being homophobic to someone who isnt even gay

LITERALLY BULLYING me

And i told the principal, she said "your not getting bullied, nothing is happening to you"

Like way to invalidate my experience..

I got in huge trouble for that

I TEXTED JENNA OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL, DEFENDING MY FRIEND?

The principal got all the girls from 5th to 8th grade in a room told them & what happened 🧍‍♀️

Sara then yelled out my name saying it was me

Then the principal made me go up to the front of the room and just stand there

As they were all laughing at me, making fun of me, chanting for me to be suspended, insulting me, jeering me and etc

FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES

THEN THE BELL RANG AND SHE SENT ME TO CLASS LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED AND SHE FORCED ME TO APOLOGIZE TO THESE GIRLS

i was forced to apologize to sara, who LITERALLY blew it out of proportion and made it seem like she was the VICTIM 

When she LITERALLY victimized me but okay 🤚

Anyways i went home that day crying

Everyday after that id spend the first 2 hours of school in the bathroom crying

literally just sobbibg

When id walk into a class theyd all laugh and make fun of me

Every single time

I started to avoid them

I was anxious and scared all the time

I only kept to my friends

I had so many thoughts of "what if i cut myself? Would they stop then? Would they leave me alone"

There was obe moment tho at the end of 7th grade me n zehra were talking and sara comes up to us and was like "so r u guys friends now?" and i knew my answer would change everything, if i said yes, shed likely try to be my friend cuz shes like that, if i said no shed leave me alone

Zehra was about to say y3s, you could tell from her face and i was like

"no were just talking 🤭"

Zehra gave me this look, like she was embrassed or something and sara just walked away

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8th grade:

OBVIOUSLY i was TRAUMATIZED from last year

However for my birthday, nora and zehra took me to a pizza place and apologized to me, i also admitted to taking the phone and we made up!

I was really happy 

I dont talk to either of them now, not cuz i dont like them or anything but just cause i dont want aquiantences in my private life so yeah

But anyways, i really appriciated that apology and im happy they did, there the only ones

Jenna never did

Sara never did either

Nor did ablah

Or any of the other minions of these girls

Only nora and zehra and i will always have respect to them for that.

Maryam.d and i talked, i asked her why she made fun of me all the time behind my back

She said that it was bcuz everyone else was, and she always felt bad

Maryam.d is a good person, and i forgave her

But shes not in my life anymore because she still seeks the validation of sara and her friends knowing that they shit talk her

Sara doesnt really have loyalty to ppl, she talks shit to everyone abt everyone even her own friends, ive heard it and many of her friends had told me this.

And when u ask them why they still like her its cuz "we were friends since childhood" or "shes fun"

My theory is that they like her lifestyle

Cuz shes living a luxurious life i will admit

But ik she DOESNT deseeve that

I had to distance myself from maryam.d because her life is really messy and shes hanging around people who dont respect her which is not her fault but idk why she likes the validation of these ppl.. Idk maybe its cuz i really hate these ppl n the fact that she is friends with them still really ticks me off.

Anyways yahya hated me for being black and would make monkey noises and say im from Zimbabwe (im from senegal)

And yahya is LITERALLY black, hes a text book deshawn.

Atp there was nora, zehra me sara.k and the deshawns

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after math:

I was scared to eat in front of ppl

Talk

Walk

I pretended so many times that i had a sore throat because i did nit want ppl to hear me speak

I wanted to be INVISIBLE 

because i thought if i got attention it would be negative.

Whenever i saw ppl laughing i thought they were laughing at me.

I was so anxious it took awhile for me to heal that.

The dsa situation didnt even traumatize me, it hurt but didnt traumatize me

I had been physically abused so many times and had been bullied but i think my trauma box was filled and i just wasnt traumatized, i was just really angry

It was the first time i wasnt a victim

Thats likely why

Me freshman year:

Until i healed ofc

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me venting PLZ IM SO REDUNTANT BUT I WAS VENTING: